Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Ø If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Ø Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Ø Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
Ø The road to success is always under construction.
Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Ø A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ø Born free; Taxed to death.
Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Ø If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.
Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Ø the trouble with being punc tual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.
Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?